Living Like Me
by HidingInside
Summary: Kendall is alone, living a life with his abusive father while loving someone that will never love him back. Will he put everything on the line to be with the one he loves, or take drastic measures to escape the life he's living? Sorry, I suck at summaries.
1. Feeling

Sprawled on the ground, defenseless, weak, pain shooting through my body like venom from a snake. The snake was my father and I was his innocent prey. This wasn't anything new to me. I learned to expect it. The ritual was always the same. Slurred words thrown at me like daggers, alcohol fueled rage building up in his body, and then the first punch is thrown.

I always told myself I could get through it; I could be strong, endure the pain. But the voices thought otherwise. _He never loved you. Nobody does. Even you admit it to yourself sometimes._ My body was his punching bag. Bruises were nothing new. Sometimes he got scary, wielding a broken bottle, a cut slashed across my face by him. He took joy in knowing that he was the one who caused me pain.

I was an expert at hiding it. Bruises where blamed on sports, cuts were merely scratches from being outside. Nobody questioned what happened, where the bruises and cuts came from, because no one cared.

A stinging pain in my head brought me back to reality. My dad stood over me, eyes filled with hate and disgust. Words flew from his mouth, a seemingly endless fountain of hate; "You're a queer. I don't know how you can have any friends. James doesn't like you. He feels pity that you're alone, useless." Another slap, more stinging pain. A punch, thrown at my head, and I succumbed to the darkness.

I opened my eyes with a dull ache in my head. There wasn't a sound heard throughout the apartment. I half-heartedly asked myself where my dad was, but I knew that I didn't care. I picked myself up off the floor, and almost passed out again from the pain. I crawled to the bathroom and took the pain meds I've grown so used to in the past years. I saw my pocketknife, the only gift my father ever gave me, before my mom disappeared.

I told myself I would try it only once. To know the feeling of being in control, having the power to stop or keep going, to know that my dad wasn't the one causing it all. I slowly slid the cool metal across the inside of my wrist. Pain left my body and was replaced by adrenaline and the rush of control and satisfaction. Almost as quickly as it had come it had vanished the minute the metal left my warm skin. It left me craving for it again. I tried again, and again the adrenaline came and went. My voice, the one that was still there from before all this happened told me to stop, to end this stupidity, but I didn't listen.

"Hey!" James said in the cheeriest voice as he came up to my locker. Grabbing my wrist he turned me from my locker to face him. "What's up?" He noticed my flinch at his hand, the hurt in my eyes as he touched my wrist. "Are you okay? Did you get hurt?" he said with general concern. I answered back as I always do the morning after the punches are thrown, "I'm fine. Just a little tired." Part of my disguise, of keeping people out of my head. I wear it all the time at school. No one realizes what is really under it all, because no one cares.

_The journal sat open on my lap, fierce scribbles flying across the page. This habit is what keeps me sane with everything that is going on. Certain words stand out, on the page, in my mind._ James doesn't like you. He feels pity that you're alone, useless. _What scares me…they're true._


	2. Keeping

**Hey guys! Thanks to all those who favorited, followed, and reviewed! I know each chapter is short so far, but trust me when I say that they will get longer! Plus, I might not post right away because I have exams this week (please kill me now). Also, be sure to read the note at the end, because it is UBER IMPORTANTE! Enjoy!**

We headed to our first class, chatting about random stuff on the way. At some point I must have zoned out because my mind began to wander. While James continued talking, I began to notice the way James every so often flicked his long, dirty blond hair out of his eyes, the way his gold-flecked brown eyes sparkled with laughter whenever he heard a joke, the way…

I stopped myself. What was going on? I had never noticed anything like that about James. Maybe I was still messed up from the punch to my head last night. We walked into class and took our seats. James, as usual, in the back, a few girls surrounding him. I sat on his right, vaguely listening to the always boring Mr. Rocque. I turned in my chair, listening to what James was talking about.

My mind instantly wandered about him. What if we were more than friends, what if we… What the hell? What was wrong with me? I didn't like James. I liked girls. Then why was I thinking about him in a way that girls think of guys they like?

He continued to talk to her. Laughing at whispered comments, her eyes staring at him like he was the object of her dreams. But why did I care? I didn't like James like that. He was my best friend. I've known him for years. So why did I suddenly start noticing all of these things about him that I loved?

I continued through the day, my mind in a haze that contained only James. The way he looked, acted, talked…everything. I turned a corner in the hallway, and saw something that made me want to puke.

Their lips moved in tandem, their bodies wrapped around each other. He was running his hand through her auburn hair like it was fine sand. She had her hands around his neck, like he was her lifeline to the world. And I watched, jealousy, rage, betrayal coursing through my veins. I knew at that moment that I loved him. I turned, hot tears starting to fall from my sky blue eyes, almost frozen from the cool sadness in them. _You will never have him. He doesn't love you. You're alone. _The voices in my head were saying. I ran, trying to lose myself, the voices, James and Lily, but that would never happen.

_I sat on my bed, the journal's pages filling up with emotions, words, tears, drops of blood. My body kept shaking from the sobs that wracked my frame. The pocketknife sat next to me, the open blade crimson, slowly drying. My wrist held wounds, just like my heart, freshly made. I didn't care. The physical pain would never take away what I saw. It will always be kept in my mind, and my journal. I will never forget._

**Alright, so I have a few questions, and comments for you all! Questions: Do you think Kendall will ever get James? What will happen in the next chapter? Any suggestions on improving the story so far? Review or send me a message, cause I am open to anything you have to say or ask about me! ALSO, I am currently working on another series, but I need some help: should I do an alphabet series with each chapter being its own separate little story, or a continuing story with the letters, like each letter moves it along? Let me know! Love you all!**

**-Kevin**


	3. Dreaming

**Hey everyone! Thanks to all those who favorited, followed, and reviewed! Special S/O to LoveSparkle for her opinions :) I'd really like to know what you guys think about each chapter, and how I can improve. Also, let me know what you think about my alphabet series! Your reviews are what's going to make me update sooner, honestly. So without further ado... Chapter 3, Dreaming!**

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_**Dreams are what you want them to be. They make you who you are and what you want to be. But when you're asleep, the dreams control you, not always for the better.**_

_I was safe._

_Laying next to him, gazing at the stars, a quilt picnic blanket under our backs, warmth radiating between our bodies. I felt safe for the first time since my mom left. Nothing could go wrong._

_I turned toward him. The autumn breeze, still warm from the last bits of summer, gently moved his dirty blond hair. He looked at me, and I saw what I had hoped to see in his eyes… love. We leaned towards each other, lips almost touching._

_The scene changed._

_I was somewhere different. It was dark and after a few moments I realized that I was standing…in my living room? But I was in the park with James! A faint rustle came from my dad's room, down the hall. I walked towards it and peeked through the crack in the door._

_My blood froze._

_My dad was standing there, a knife in his hand. And on the floor under him…James, unmoving. My dad heard me, turned and said to me in an eerily calm voice, "I told you he didn't care." He vanished and I ran to James._

_He wasn't breathing._

"_No!" I told myself, "He isn't dead! He can't be! I never told him that I loved him! That if he died, I would die! I felt his pain as much as he did when he was hurt. He laughed, and I laughed. He was sad, I was depressed." I kept screaming to myself "No! No! No! He wasn't dead! NO!"_

_I was dreaming._

"NO!" I screamed as my body shot itself out of bed. It was a nightmare. None of it was real. James was still alive. I sat there, covered in a feverish sweat, trying to calm myself down, every so often a lonely tear making its way down my face.

The door opened.

I only noticed for a second until suddenly I was on the floor, my head throbbing where it had been hit…by my dad. I knew he had been drinking, the stench of liquor radiating of off him like heat from the sun. I tried to get up, to move away from the monster.

I wanted to.

Then just as quickly as it happened, he disappeared, not before I received another punch. I heard him run out the back door. Why did he leave? The question was quickly answered, by a form entering the room.

"Kendall?" James said.

I told him what happened. Everything my dad had ever done to me. His face contorted, expressions of sadness, fear, anger, rage, chasing each other in an endless game of tag across his face. But he still didn't know everything. What I did to myself, how I felt, my journal.

He would never know.

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**I forgot to say this earlier, but this story doesn't exactly follow BTR, and I think I may have to edit the past chapters... :( But I promise that the next chapter is longer, and will might hold a little... Kames surprise :D Also, I think I will have to change the rating to M, just cause of what's going on in the future, so just watch out for that! Review review review please! You'll get a S/O if you voice your opinion! **


	4. Timing

**Hey everyone! I am so so so sorry for not updating sooner! I've been busy with school, work, summer homework (I know, right? Some people just want to watch the world burn...) and family stuff. But I am back and I will be updating a lot quicker now! So a few things before the chapter: I know that these chapters are really short, but trust me when I say that they will be getting longer. Most of them I already had typed out already. Also, if you notice grammar mistakes or things that really don't make sense, message me please! It will make the story a lot better for everyone else. Lastly, I think the story will be changed to M, just cause of the future chapters and what I have planned for everything. AAAAAAANNNNNDDDDD... THERE IS KAMES! It's kinda small, but it's there! R&R please and thanks! Now... Chapter 4: Timing!**

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James spent the night. He said he would walk me to school the next day. I appreciated his company. Sleep quickly caught up to me, and I gratefully fell into its welcoming embrace, knowing I would be safe for the night.

A few curious glances came our way as I walked into school side by side with James. I ignored them. Let them be with their own thoughts. They couldn't figure out that their minds could deceive themselves.

The morning passed by in a blur. Suddenly I was sitting down in the cafeteria next to James and Lily, along with some of our other friends. They were chatting about a party that Lily was going to have since her parents would be out of town. Unexpectedly, Lily turned to me and asked, "Do you want to come too, Kendall?" I hesitantly replied, "Sure."

"_James probably made her let you come," _the voices said,_ "He knows you would be all alone anyways."_ The thought that now came along with them showed itself again, stronger than last time. It scared me.

Friday night came quicker than I thought and I found myself at Lily's front door. The door opened and Lily said with a slightly drunken smile, "Come on in!" I walked in and was immediately blasted with a wall of sound. Loudspeakers blared party music and teens were dancing, chatting, shouting, and singing on a makeshift dance floor.

It was obvious someone snuck some beer into the party because a glass was shoved in my hand and one sniff gave away what was in it. I set the glass down and went to find people I knew. I recognized some people and said "Hey" to the drunken teens that kept bumping into me. Then I saw the dirty blonde hair that could only belong to one person. _James._

I ran up to him, grabbed his arm, and spun him around. "What's up, James?" I shouted above the noise going on around me. "Yeah?" he replied with glazed over eyes and a somewhat drunken, cocky smile on his face. I decided to get him away from the noise so I could talk to him. I half walked, half carried him upstairs to the guest bedroom. I sat him down on the bed, turned to close the door, and suddenly... his lips were crashed against mine.

My mind buzzed like a thousand bees in a hive. But I was suddenly pulled back to reality when his lips started moving against mine. They tasted like cinnamon and peaches, … but not beer. I could smell his Cuda spray, and feel his tongue pressing its way into my mouth. Just as quickly as it happened, James pulled away. He wouldn't remember the next day, he was too buzzed to even know where we were. But I wouldn't, I couldn't forget. I took him back downstairs and left the party. I had gotten what I dreamed of and there was no reason for me to stay.

I was lying on my bed, the memory playing over and over in my head and on the journal page in front of me. I didn't care if he was drunk. It mattered. It happened. The pocketknife lay unopened on the nightstand. I wasn't going to use it. The kiss I was dreaming about happened. But the voices in my back were whispering. **You will get hurt. This is all to hurt you. And in the end, your thought that's been haunting you will come true. The timing just has to be right.**

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**Thanks for reading! What do you think is going to happen in the next chapter? Will James be done with Lily and be with Kendall? Or will something happen that makes Kendall regret everything? Leave a review please! Oh, and before I forget, the italics at the end of each chapter are Kendall writing in his journal. This is key for a later chapter! Thanks again! Comment any ideas you have to make this better, or for future chapters. I'm going to be putting one of you guys in the story! So review!**


	5. Breaking

**Hey! So I know that all of you are probably pretty peeved at me and why I haven't updated, and of course there's the reasons of school and what not, but I also have to say that I've been dealing with friends issues and work, as well as some events that have gotten in the way. But I'm back now! I also apologize cause this chapter is so so so so so small... But I have my reasons! So judge me, but still R&R so I know how to improve! Thanks and here's chapter 5: Breaking! Enjoy!**

I was in the greatest mood over the weekend. My number one dream had come true. I was so happy I actually looked forward to school. I traced the familiar path to my locker, grabbed my morning period books, and went in search of James. Seeing his dark brown hair from down the hall, I ran to greet him, knocking into random people along the way. "Hey James! What's…" I stopped short. He was with Lily.

My mind instantly came up with thousands of different reasons why he was with that… girl. He was breaking up with her, telling her about the kiss. He was in love with me, wasn't he? I thought I knew. I mean, he kissed me didn't he? Of course he was. I turned toward both of them… to find them making out.

I started falling, thoughts swirling around me as if I was inside a tornado and James was the storm. My heart broke, pieces flying every which way. Some held memories, others nightmares and dreams. The voices in my head, ever-present, telling me what I now knew was true. _He did this to hurt you. Nobody loves you, including James. The time has come. James hates you._

I ran, realizing how right the voices were. I should have listened, protected myself from it all. Should've put up walls, barriers to prevent anything from coming inside. I was stupid. I vaguely heard James yell "Kendall!" before I bolted out of school. I wasn't about to stop. I would end up breaking apart.

I rushed through the front door of the house and into my room. I had to write down what happened before James showed up. He could never know. Would never know. I hurriedly scrawled down a few words. The creak of the front door opening made me toss the journal on my desk. I wasn't ready for this conversation. I knew I would break.


	6. Fighting

**Hey everyone! First off, thanks to everyone who favorited, followed, and reviewed! It means a lot knowing that people like this story, and I love the ideas you all have! Second, this is the longest chapter in the series and I hope everyone likes it! It is definitely the most important one so far, and sets up the rest of the series and basically everything that will happen from here on out! Warning: Sadness in the whole chapter. I'm sorry, but trust me when I say I know what's going to happen! Ok, enough rambling... Chapter 6: Fighting!**

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James walked into my room, slightly out of breath, clutching at his side. I knew he had been following, running after me, chasing me down the whole way home… I wondered why he did. It's not like he cared about me. I can't believe I was so stupid, thinking, believing that I had a chance with James, my best friend. He was my rock, the reason I got up every morning and lived my life. But that support was crumbling inside me, fading away, turning into disappointment, regret, anger…

"Kendall! Why did you run when I called your name?" he said, worry etched into every feature on his beautiful fa- _Stop it Kendall. Snap out of it. Remember what you just saw._ The voice were getting louder, shouting, yelling for my attention.

Rage coursed through my veins, boiling my blood. "So you suddenly care about me now?" I sneered. "What are you talking about? You're my best friend! Of course I care about you!" he said, concerned by my actions. He didn't even know the half of it.

"Oh, sure. Of course you do! Because somebody that cares about me would make out with his girlfriend every time I'm around just to rub it in my face! Or kiss me at a party and not even fucking remember!" My voice was strained, but firm. I was shouting now, trying to stop the thoughts streaming through my head.

"I never kissed you! You kissed me!" his face contorting in anger and disgust, almost reeling at the thought of him kissing me, his best friend.

"How would you know? You were drunk at the party!" I said, struggling to keep control of my voice before it cracked from emotion.

"No I wasn't!" he exclaimed, that perfect face contorted in bewilderment. "I hate beer! You know that! Why does that matter so much? And why have you been acting weird these past couple weeks? Did I do something wrong?"

I turned away from him, not wanting him to see the blush of red slowly creeping into my cheeks. "_Great,"_ I thought, _"Now he's worried about me."_ I just needed him to leave, so I could sort all of this out, so I could use my blade, my salvation, and let the pain out. "You wouldn't understand" I stated, talking to the empty wall in front of me, instead of looking into those deep hazel eyes.

"I can't understand if you won't tell me!" he shouted, trying to get me to open up to him, the last thing I wanted to do.

I spun around, facing him, my bottle green eyes sharp as glass, my entire mask shattering right in front of him while he stood there, glaring at me, daring me to answer him. I was done. Done with lying to him, done with dealing with his shit. Done with hiding the truth. I decided the time was now to tell him.

"Because I love you," I whispered, my words barely audible, a mere breath across my lips.

"What?" he asked, not quite hearing me. "Nothing" I replied, not wanting to risk saying it again. "Why the fuck won't you tell me?!" he yelled, evidently pissed off that I cut myself off from him again.

"I LOVE YOU, OK?!" I screamed. My voice rang throughout the room, then quickly died off.

Shock was written all over James's face. "You…you…love me?" he whispered in a hushed tone. Just as quickly as it came, the shock changed to anger and his voice grew strong again. "So what? That doesn't give you the right to be mad at me!" he shouted.

"I knew you wouldn't understand! I just told you I fucking love you and you go off about how I'm MAD at you? Are you to self-absorbed and vain to even acknowledge my feelings, or even your own? You probably love me too and don't even realize it!" The words were flowing from my mouth, shouts that couldn't and wouldn't be controlled.

James' face paled for a moment, fear flashed through his hazel orbs, and I couldn't help but wonder if…maybe…he did… Then suddenly the fire was back, blazing hard and strong. "Shut up Kendall! You don't know a fucking thing about me or my life! You never try to understand what I go through every day! I HATE YOU!"

His voice rang out, echoed, and then died. Complete and utter silence. The last piece of my heart, kept alive by a glimmer of hope, for James, shattered into a thousand tiny rubies, and washed away with the tears starting to fall from my eyes. His face held shock and … regret? But why would he be sorry?

I stuttered, my voice broken, filled with hurt, "Y-y-you…h-h-hate m-m-me?" He took a moment before answering, his voice similar to mine. "N-no Kendall, I didn't mean that. I m-meant to s-say…"

I didn't let him finish. "Save it," my voice hard and strong, cold as steel. "I don't want to hear any more of your excuses. Get out."

He stared at me, shock and confusion on his face. "W-what?"

"GET OUT!" I screamed. He stood there, unmoving, as if he didn't hear me correctly. I grabbed something and chucked it at him. He caught it before it hit him, and ran.

I broke down crying, but I knew what I had to do.

I frantically searched for my journal. I had set it on my desk. Where did it go? Suddenly, I realized what I threw at James. He took it with him. I suddenly didn't care. It didn't matter. Everything was going to end. My life… was going to end.

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**Thoughts? Feelings? Do you all hate me now? Well don't, cause there won't be more if you do. I'm kidding of course, but please review what you think and ideas and what not! Until next time!**

-Kev


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